I Protest

The signs have been made, the shoes tied, the lines drawn...I PROTEST!

The last couple of weeks have been crazy- insane- stressful- demanding- consuming- encouraging- stressful- ridiculous- sad- joyful- exciting- stressful- did I mention stressful?

I hit a moment tonight where I literally stopped and thought, "whoa, Lord, You got this, right?"  Yeah, I know, weak in faith--> that's me right now.  The amount of insanity that I have seen in the last 14 days is too much to recount tonight (though I'm totally wired due to the steroids I was prescribed), but to say the craziness has been all encompassing is an understatement.

I have seen God working through a very dear friend and her family over these 2 weeks.  The hardship they are bearing is tremendous and the attitudes they are carrying is a testament to their faith.  They have been faced with many great (as in HUGE) decisions and have been faithful to the end.  They are family, they are part of my "extended family," they shouldn't have to endure all of this yet I hear no questioning, no injury, no doubts about God's plan- only acceptance.  Struggle- yes, emotional- yes, faithful- absolutely, prayerful- always.

And yet, I protested...

I know this world is full of suffering in many unexpected ways.  But to walk through such difficulties with such a friend is...heartbreaking.  Though I feel blessed that I have been able to walk along some of this journey, it has been hard at times to face the reality that they too are facing (granted, yes, to a lesser degree).  Watching them along this roller coaster has been hard, but the hopeful moments and encouraging moments outweigh the suffering as we continue to get glimpses of recovery.  Being able to witness God moving through this family has been something to behold and partake in...frankly, I am changed because of this.

And yet, I continued to protest...

Work in general has been a little more stressful than usual over the last several weeks, but the last week has skyrocketed out of sight.  We have become very short staffed and I still don't know many other coworkers here, so it has been quite challenging to fill our schedules up.  Funny how the Lord provides and His timing is always perfect.  Thankfully, a student has some rather unexpected free time over the next couple of weeks, so that will only leave me with small holes to plug in (so hopefully we will stay afloat).  But the entire situation has brought great struggle and sadness for me.  This has truly brought me to my knees repeatedly.  The stress of looking forward puts me quite on edge and probably close to a panic attack; hence, I must constantly remind myself that He had a plan for this immediate time and He has one for the future (I just don't know it yet, and that's okay).

And yet, I continued to protest...

You see, I think I can handle things on my own, even when God clearly has orchestrated things in a way that I cannot deny and can take no credit for at all.  Yet, I protest because it hurts to accept His will sometimes.  It hurts to follow His plan sometimes.  It hurts to watch others following His plan for them sometimes.

It has taken physical pain (a couple of random infections attacked me this week) for me to stop and actually realize that my heart has been walking the picket line protesting these last couple of weeks.  It has been an off and on journey...first the shoes were on, then off, then on again, then off again...it took me to this afternoon to realize that so many things have been orchestrated beforehand to the point that I couldn't have planned it better...so why am I going to worry about the next few weeks, months, etc?  What good will it do?

So, tonight the shoes are off, the signs are gone and I'm still.  I want to be able to continue to help my friend and her family, I want to be able to be relaxed at work again (as much as I can be at least), I want to be able to encourage those around me, I want to be a vessel- He is the Potter, I am the clay- and may He continue to mold me as He sees fit.

Don't Hog the Covers

I realized something the other night...I have become a cover hog.  Now, in my defense, this habit has come out of necessity as my dear, sweet husband would rather burrito himself in the covers.  But it feels as if it turns into a constant sleep struggle of us both trying to stay covered throughout the night.  It struck me too, that this is often how I respond in relationships.

I struggle to constantly remain covered and protected, shielded from others judgments and comments. I am afraid to be hurt, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid that I may not be accepted for who I really am, afraid that the glass walls I have surreptitiously put up around me will come crashing down.  I want to throw my hands up and cry, "Why Lord? Why?"

Because this isn't IT...HIS plan is still ahead of me...I am still learning to wait on Him..

Talk about feeling vulnerable and exposed.  Oh, to grab a blanket and cover up, but He always sees through that cover, through my motives and my feeble attempt of manipulation.  Come to think of, I must be pretty humorous in my attempts to get my way, but that too is a cover-up.  A cover-up for my lack of faith.  I'll be the first to admit that being open and vulnerable is HARD, but I think it is hardest to be that way with yourself.  To truly evaluate your motives, thoughts, feelings, etc, and to discover if they are glorifying to God...whew!  There goes the covers...I only hope that I can subdue my knee-jerk reflex to yank the covers back over myself.  Though I know there is nothing that can be hid from the Lord, to lay willingly exposed before Him...how freeing that would be!!  We were made for HIS glory and may I always think on that!!