Defining...

There are moments throughout your life that seem to have huge impacts, dare I go so far as to claim they define you?  These moments define who you are going forward from that point, they are a shadow of who you used to be, they point to your heart and your training, they are an arrow towards your beliefs.  I would love to claim that all of my life "defining" moments have been encouraging and/or uplifting.  Now, don't think that they have all been bad either!  When I reflect and consider all I have seen, though not very expansive, I feel like I can count more positive impacts than negative, and for that I am grateful!  I would put towards the top of my list following my Savior at a young age, marrying my husband, and having our daughter (there are many many more on this list, but I find it absolutely impossible to not be changed by these experiences).  The many positive life changing experiences I feel like I've had make the negative ones seems eternally loud in my mind...so much so that they often haunt me.  One of these happened this past weekend.

Barring a long story and numerous details that replay in my mind, our adventurous daughter fell a very short distance and hit her head.  Initially, what seemed like just a run of the mill bump on the head quickly turned very scary as she went limp in my arms and her eyes began to roll into the back of her head.  Blessedly my husband took her from my arms and began rubbing her body and cradling her, encouraging her to continue breathing, and blessedly she regained consciousness within the minute that seemed like an eternity.  (We obviously took her to be evaluated and she checked out okay, but upon regaining consciousness she was inconsolable for about 20 minutes, which at that point we were just happy she was alert and breathing.)  Thankfully, the Lord has protected my sleep and kept me from reliving some of these moments in my dreams.  And thankfully, He saw fit to spare our daughter something much worse and provided us with knowledgable friends immediately present to lend support and encouragement.  For this I will always be grateful.

And for this, I will always be changed.  The flood of emotions and feelings in that minute is almost indescribable.  The initial panic, the adrenaline rush that pushed all other possibilities away, the slight relief accompanied by intense concern and watching, the subconsciously held breath to finally be followed by the exhale, the let down of intensity, relief.  All the while, a little nudging in the back of my mind reminding me that she is His and He cares for her more than we do.  Comforting on the one hand, and scary on the other hand.  I've always wanted to be the kind of parent that holds their children with an open hand, loves them unconditionally and tries my hardest to show them the love God has for them.  I want them to know that they are first, and foremost, His children.  But I selfishly want all the time with them I can get, and in those moments that I was not entirely sure she was breathing, my mind scattered to a million places- there's so much more she doesn't know, more she hasn't seen, open hands, what the heck just happened, is she having a seizure, is she breathing, open hands, get to the door, did I miss something, did she hit harder than I thought, open hands...

This is still too fresh for me and my husband.  It will take some time for us to process and digest it and tuck it away.  But to say we will walk away unchanged would be like saying the sky isn't above out heads.  We are exceedingly grateful that everything has had a positive resolution and we are exceedingly thankful to have this spunky little daredevil in our lives and hearts.  We love her more than she knows.

1 year

Dear baby girl,

You are now a 1 year old!  You are becoming more of a toddler than the little baby I remember from so many of these past months.  Though I remember those days (mostly) with a smile, I do miss them!  But, I am also looking forward to witnessing the person you are becoming daily, tantrums included!  It has never ceased to amaze me how you have learned things so quickly and discovered your surroundings; how the daredevil in you comes out in the weirdest times, but you are overly cautious at other times; how we've always had to work a little bit to get you to laugh but how much that laugh brightens our house; how it seems impossible that you can be 1 already but it also seems like you have been in our family forever!!

The past year has been a whirlwind at times and crept by unnoticed at others.  There is nothing I would change about this past year with you.  I've tried to soak in every moment I've had knowing that this precious time will only go by faster as you get older.  Those creeping days, I have enjoyed and intentionally have taken slow.  Do I remember exactly when you hit certain milestones? No, but I remember how excited we were when you smiled the first time, when you figured out how to roll over, how proud you were when you ventured to crawl those first few inches ever so cautiously.  Even now, how you will stand unassisted for minutes, but caution kicks in and you sit before you take a step.  There are moments emblazoned in my memory from this past year and most of them include your smiling face.

There are times I catch myself wondering who you will be, how you will face the world, what kind of career you will choose, and much more.  Though I truly look forward to finding out all of these things, I hope and pray that you will ultimately love the Lord with all of your being and that you will follow His path for you.  He has great plans for you, little one, and I pray daily that what I do today with you will prepare you for what He will do with you one day.

Know that you are loved by many, sweet girl.  You are a bright spot for many in our family.  You have learned lots over this past year, but you have also taught us all more than you will ever know!  I am truly blessed to call you daughter!!

Love you always,

Mommy