I Protest

The signs have been made, the shoes tied, the lines drawn...I PROTEST!

The last couple of weeks have been crazy- insane- stressful- demanding- consuming- encouraging- stressful- ridiculous- sad- joyful- exciting- stressful- did I mention stressful?

I hit a moment tonight where I literally stopped and thought, "whoa, Lord, You got this, right?"  Yeah, I know, weak in faith--> that's me right now.  The amount of insanity that I have seen in the last 14 days is too much to recount tonight (though I'm totally wired due to the steroids I was prescribed), but to say the craziness has been all encompassing is an understatement.

I have seen God working through a very dear friend and her family over these 2 weeks.  The hardship they are bearing is tremendous and the attitudes they are carrying is a testament to their faith.  They have been faced with many great (as in HUGE) decisions and have been faithful to the end.  They are family, they are part of my "extended family," they shouldn't have to endure all of this yet I hear no questioning, no injury, no doubts about God's plan- only acceptance.  Struggle- yes, emotional- yes, faithful- absolutely, prayerful- always.

And yet, I protested...

I know this world is full of suffering in many unexpected ways.  But to walk through such difficulties with such a friend is...heartbreaking.  Though I feel blessed that I have been able to walk along some of this journey, it has been hard at times to face the reality that they too are facing (granted, yes, to a lesser degree).  Watching them along this roller coaster has been hard, but the hopeful moments and encouraging moments outweigh the suffering as we continue to get glimpses of recovery.  Being able to witness God moving through this family has been something to behold and partake in...frankly, I am changed because of this.

And yet, I continued to protest...

Work in general has been a little more stressful than usual over the last several weeks, but the last week has skyrocketed out of sight.  We have become very short staffed and I still don't know many other coworkers here, so it has been quite challenging to fill our schedules up.  Funny how the Lord provides and His timing is always perfect.  Thankfully, a student has some rather unexpected free time over the next couple of weeks, so that will only leave me with small holes to plug in (so hopefully we will stay afloat).  But the entire situation has brought great struggle and sadness for me.  This has truly brought me to my knees repeatedly.  The stress of looking forward puts me quite on edge and probably close to a panic attack; hence, I must constantly remind myself that He had a plan for this immediate time and He has one for the future (I just don't know it yet, and that's okay).

And yet, I continued to protest...

You see, I think I can handle things on my own, even when God clearly has orchestrated things in a way that I cannot deny and can take no credit for at all.  Yet, I protest because it hurts to accept His will sometimes.  It hurts to follow His plan sometimes.  It hurts to watch others following His plan for them sometimes.

It has taken physical pain (a couple of random infections attacked me this week) for me to stop and actually realize that my heart has been walking the picket line protesting these last couple of weeks.  It has been an off and on journey...first the shoes were on, then off, then on again, then off again...it took me to this afternoon to realize that so many things have been orchestrated beforehand to the point that I couldn't have planned it better...so why am I going to worry about the next few weeks, months, etc?  What good will it do?

So, tonight the shoes are off, the signs are gone and I'm still.  I want to be able to continue to help my friend and her family, I want to be able to be relaxed at work again (as much as I can be at least), I want to be able to encourage those around me, I want to be a vessel- He is the Potter, I am the clay- and may He continue to mold me as He sees fit.

Don't Hog the Covers

I realized something the other night...I have become a cover hog.  Now, in my defense, this habit has come out of necessity as my dear, sweet husband would rather burrito himself in the covers.  But it feels as if it turns into a constant sleep struggle of us both trying to stay covered throughout the night.  It struck me too, that this is often how I respond in relationships.

I struggle to constantly remain covered and protected, shielded from others judgments and comments. I am afraid to be hurt, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid that I may not be accepted for who I really am, afraid that the glass walls I have surreptitiously put up around me will come crashing down.  I want to throw my hands up and cry, "Why Lord? Why?"

Because this isn't IT...HIS plan is still ahead of me...I am still learning to wait on Him..

Talk about feeling vulnerable and exposed.  Oh, to grab a blanket and cover up, but He always sees through that cover, through my motives and my feeble attempt of manipulation.  Come to think of, I must be pretty humorous in my attempts to get my way, but that too is a cover-up.  A cover-up for my lack of faith.  I'll be the first to admit that being open and vulnerable is HARD, but I think it is hardest to be that way with yourself.  To truly evaluate your motives, thoughts, feelings, etc, and to discover if they are glorifying to God...whew!  There goes the covers...I only hope that I can subdue my knee-jerk reflex to yank the covers back over myself.  Though I know there is nothing that can be hid from the Lord, to lay willingly exposed before Him...how freeing that would be!!  We were made for HIS glory and may I always think on that!!

A New Drum Beating

For many of you that know me, you know I was in the marching band in high school. (Yes, that means I have a ton of stories that start "one year at band camp...")  But putting that aside, I learned a ton in band (and through music in general) about myself.  And these lessons continue to show up even today.  Marching band taught me about internal beats, feeling the rhythm, being instep with said rhythm and beat (and everyone else on the field), and learning to move as a unit.  We were competitive, so if anyone was out of step or moved when they weren't supposed to, it affected everyone.  It was a team effort and we always approached it that way.

I've disappeared the last couple of months because we've been marching to a new beat here in Georgia.  It has taken a lot of getting used to and I'm constantly finding that I'm not "in-step" or I've missed the beat all together, or better yet, I'm marching in the opposite direction!  Throughout all the craziness of the move and new jobs for both of us, I have had to listen very hard for the new beating that is going to be our lives for a while.  There are times I feel like we've hit our stride and we are both in sync again...then we have one heck of a crazy work week and I don't even know what "song" we're playing anymore.  But, if I ever learned anything from my musical years, it is practice and persevere because the end results are by far worth the sweat that goes into it; not to mention, hearing the completed song after so much work is awesome!

So, to sum up the last several months, B and I have worked...a lot (he claims its less hours than last year, but I don't know that I entirely believe him); we have worked on the house...a lot (still have a lot more to do, but it's winter and I can't handle any amount of cold...I should be a bear so I can hibernate through all of this); we somehow managed to see all of our immediate family over Christmas (just short of a miracle considering neither one of us had time off); somewhere in the few evenings we actually share at home together on a weekly basis, we have managed to have somewhat consistent dates (brownie points for B as he has planned most of them).  When I write it out, it doesn't look like much, but I took on the project of painting the basement...with my work schedule and normal house maintenance "stuff" it took me a little over a month...and I don't paint super slow or anything.  But making the basement our own space has made a HUGE difference in this house feeling like HOME!  It sounds crazy, I know, but moving into an older house where people have painted and done things the way they wanted, you almost feel like an impostor in the very house you just bought.  The fun (and kinda bad) is that we have plenty of house projects to last us for a while, we are just having to pace ourselves.

In the mean time, I am constantly trying to find my "quiet" place to be able to relax and feel that all to familiar internal beat that drives us all.  There are many times I have gotten too caught up in what needs to be done and how it is going to get done.  I want to be able to savor the moments God offers for reprieve and not be continuously caught up in the busy-ness that surrounds me.  I still find great comfort and solace in my music and will never be able to put it aside.  There something centering about it for me.  I have also discovered that when I am generally feeling out of step, I am generally not trusting God's plan for my life (I know, surprise).   Admittedly, I am not a big lover of change, and these last several months have been full of it.  Thankfully, I knew it was coming and God clearly had a master plan for all of it to come together the way it did.  However, I continue to learn to trust Him daily as my future unfolds; though I have no idea what it may hold, I know it must be good because He love me.

Hopefully, I can keep up with this a little better despite all the random schedules and home projects, etc.  No one ever told us it would be easy; and thankfully, neither one of us ever thought any of this would be easy.  We walked into our relationship, this marriage, and this move with our eyes wide open knowing that we would be working at spending time together, working on our relationship, working towards our goals, and working on the house to make it our home.  We are tremendously blessed and thankful.

So far...

So it's been a little while since I've updated here.  It has been a little crazy and disorienting, but good none the less.

- We are currently staying with some friends in their spare bedroom.  I move this weekend and B will follow in a couple of weeks

- When I say move, I mean move in with my parents (for a little bit)

- We are working on more permanent living situation in the mean time

- This will be my last week to work here in Birmingham!  This whole process has been a little bittersweet. So many things have happened for me here and I have many fond memories that will go with me.  I'm sad to be leaving some great coworkers and friends, too!  I know that will be the hardest part!

- I am, however, looking forward to starting this new chapter in our lives and seeing what God has in store for us!  There is definitely a level of nervousness and anxiety as I start a new job and start getting incorporated into a new community, but I'm excited as many things have fallen into place already!

- We have a lot more things coming up!  This brief stay our friends house has been a fantastic respite before more craziness comes our way!:). A lot of it will be fun and excited, but trying to balance new jobs for both of us, weird nomadic living situations, and trying to secure a permanent place to live and all that entails means lots of thought and prayer (as well as being wise with our finances)!

We are hoping for a seamless transition and I am hoping my first couple of weeks of work go well.  I will be fighting the dreaded traffic and driving an hour each way!  This makes me a little nervous, but I do have the audio books of Narnia downloaded and intend to get some "reading" in!:)

A sign...

For instance, this sign is in our front yard.

 And this is what you would see if you walked into our house, signs of moving...

And then, of course, there are those signs that spring is finally trying to peak its head out!

I've been hoping my day lilies would bloom a little before we left...they look like they are on the verge, but still more than a few days out.  So, I think I will miss them this year.

But, yes, we are moving!  Movers come this weekend and we are in full packing mode (which means we are living out of boxes and suitcases)!  It's been quite a whirlwind and if everything goes as planned, this house will no longer be ours starting Tuesday.

It has been a bittersweet week with everything going on.  I turned 29 (yikes!) and started packing up the last 3 years of my life!  This house has been a great place to call home the last 3 years and I will miss most everything about it!;)  I came into it with a good friend as a roommate and will leave it with a husband.  We celebrated our first anniversary here...spent many evenings on the porch watching a storm roll in or just swinging on the porch swing (when the pollen wasn't raging).  We had fun combining two different lives of "stuff" into one living area.

Now we are on the hunt for our next humble abode.  Honestly, this has proven to be the most frustrating part.  As both of us work a lot, it has been hard to find time to look and currently the housing market is doing wacky things.  We are trusting the Lord that He has something out there for us, it's just a matter of timing (which is true for everything)!  We struggle with feeling homeless at times and definitely feel the stress that comes with being in limbo.  (We are staying with some friends until we can relocate and we are soooo thankful for their willingness to share their house!!!)

So, at the moment, we are trying to focus on the task at hand and leave the rest in His hands.  This is proving to be hard as we like to have plans and know what is going to happen (who doesn't), but we also know that God has provided for us thus far and He will continue to do so.  Patience...it's a virtue...that is usually a repeat learning process for me...:)

Providence, Part 2...

We are seeing more and more that God is moving through our situation and lives.  I have been quite stressed about the whole job issue for me once we move.  It has been a little scary knowing that we will still be relying on my salary once we move and not know for sure that I could transfer.  Blessedly, I have gotten verbal confirmation that they will indeed transfer me!!  I was expecting to transfer and float for a while, but after finding out they would transfer me, they also told me they would probably have a store for me to go into as well!  I have been quite floored by all of this and so grateful!  The icing on the cake is the store I will most likely go into is in the general area we are hoping to live in!  Couldn't have asked for a better placement!

Also, our house went on the market last week.  Talk about nervous!  We are in overdrive clean mode and trying to get the dogs out of the house every time it is shown.  Amazingly, we had 5 showings last week and all of the seemingly went well according to the feedback.  Now we are just praying for that right person or couple to come along and decide this is where they want to live.  It's an odd feeling knowing random people are walking through your house and all you can do is hope that they see what you saw when you bought it!  I am reminded, though, that God indeed has a plan and I know he has a time for this house to sell.  In the mean time, I've turned into an OCD neat freak and organizer...pray for my husband!;)

Colorado

A couple of weeks ago we trekked (flew) to Colorado for a conference.  Of course, we managed to fit some skiing in!  There was a decent sized group of us that went and we had a blast! 

The first night we were in the mountains, it started snowing and continued to snow through the next day (~12 inches total).  Those that had experience on skis loved the fresh powder, for those of us (like me) that had never been on skis it was a bit tough.  Lets just say I fell a lot and probably should have really hurt myself on some of the falls. 

About midday, I decided it was in my best interest to rest and recoup.  The next day was incredibly better- still fell a lot but got more confident and felt comfortable enough to tackle another day on the slopes.  Blessedly my husband and some of our friends were really good and were able to help me through a few runs and proved to me that I could indeed stop without having to fall over!:) 

Since 2 of us had to leave a little early to come back and work, we took the morning and went snow-shoeing.  Quite awesome to see some of the view and tromp through some super deep snow!  You could definitely tell this southern girl does not see snow like that very often!  I loved it.  We even braved the cold one evening and sat in the hot tub (sadly, it was not snowing at that time).

Overall, it was a great trip with great people!  Lots of laughs and lots of fun!  It was just what we needed before all the chaos started.  I truly believe getting away when you are in the midst of huge life changes and stress is key.  Yes, the stress is there when you get back, but hopefully you come back refreshed and ready to tackle it.  I believe it is also important for marriages to separate from the stress, even if it is only for a short time.  You tend to see things differently when you've had some non-stressful time together!:)